The events as we understand them:
1. Jimmy Eat World releases debut album on Jan. 23, 1994. Mo hears it at listening station at Zia’s in Tempe and likes. I assure her they’re just another local band that will never make it. As a result, she eventually chooses me over front man Jim Bob Adkins.
2. Mo, under the questionable advice of one Ms. Jenny Snyder, purchases Lemon Oreo Thins. Not ONLY are they lemon, they’re ALSO THIN. So much evil crammed into such a small package. (I am referring to the lemon oreos, not you. Although you know me and metaphors.)
3. Hours later, the cat gets sick. Cat had shown NO signs of illness before the onset of Lemon Oreo Syndrome was introduced to household. Cat has to go to vet for anti-lemon shot. This eats up the designated time zone for the daily run as well, as causing me to miss my cha-cha lesson. And you know how I get when I’m denied my cha-cha.
4. Mo catches a flight for Tempe, likely for a rendezvous with Jim Bob Adkins, EXACTLY 7,863 days after the release of the initial JEW album. 7,863 being the sign of the beast except for the additional 7,197. Likely caused by inflation, or translation of the King James version to the Dewey Decimal System. (remember your solemn vow to use your power to do away with it.)
DON’T YOU SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE? LEMON OREOS ARE THE ANTICHRIST!!!!!!!!
Revelation 22:18 clearly states “I warn anyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this Oreo: If any one of you adds anything to it, God will add you to the plagues described in this podcast.” Clearly this is an indication of things to come.
If that’s not enough, Revolution Verse 3 warns:
“If you go carrying pictures of Chairman Meow
You ain’t going to make it with anyone anyhow.”
It’s all so clear now. I thought we took the sacred lemon pledge? Or perhaps I often sprayed lemon pledge on my tongue as a child to enjoy the zesty flavor. This would explain much.
Bottom line: The cat’s sick, I missed my run, Mo at this very moment is snatching Jim Bob Adkins, and as the end times draw nearer I worry more and more about the repercussions of my “Jesus On a Corn Dog Stick” merchandising franchise.